Today’s SOAPBOX^® shot in the arm is wrapped around a famous quote by Ruth Gendler, artist, writer and teacher.

 “Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with power trippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep, and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure whom she is praying to. When she walks it is clear she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she was stern were not lying; they just forgot to mention that she was kind.”

Welcome to the edge of a cliff…again!  Alas, the life of a trailblazer is an unending series of brinks and bridges, each one more precarious than the last.  But for good reason, because the opportunities to prosper and expand your influence are indeed greater each time.  Weighing the odds is always advised but worrying about perceived outcomes only leads to petrification.

And so it takes courage to leap!  But not just in business- not just as an entrepreneur or a leader.  IT takes courage to CHANGE as a human being facing regular daily life.  Sometimes a shit-ton.  Yet, what’s funny, is how rarely the concept of bravery and courage is shared, discussed, or given limelight in the more mundane, daily nooks and crannies of LIFE.  Probably because we need to personify it to make it a true member of our treasure chest of choice vocab.

Indeed CHANGE takes courage and the rediscovery of her value and promise.  It comes down to one simple question: how long will you stay and decay?  There’s no better time than the present to discover the valley of your vision.  Strap on your parachute of faith, spring free and fly.  TO experience a cage-free life, you must choose to explore new territory and vow to not look back.  Change is inevitable.  Perhaps so is a life of delightful evolution.

Never Stop EVOLVING. ~ KD

Sponsored by Kimberlie Dykeman Enterprises– Lifestyle & Performance Coaching, Mini-Retreats & Wingman Support for Gentlemen.

© Kimberlie Dykeman. SOAPBOX® is a registered trademark of Kimberlie Dykeman.

This just in: I have officially become a contributing writer and now join the brilliant international community at The Good Men Project (www.goodmenproject.com).  Apparently they needed a bold female life coach who covers all things WINGMAN!  I am honored and truly jazzed at this tremendous opportunity to have a greater impact on the broad, diverse, international audience this organization has galvanized.

The Good Men Project is a community of 21st Century thought leaders fostering a national discussion centered around the issue of men’s roles in modern life.  Not so much a magazine as a social movement, the diverse ecosystem of contributors evolved from just a book into a movie, live events, a national discussion, a platform, and a non-profit helping boys and men at-risk. Good Men Media Inc. is the multi-media strategic platform modern manhood  and the question, “What does it mean to be a good man?”

Selected to offer my angle on business, relationships, motivation and wellness, the first article just out of the gate hits on friendships: Arithmetic of Friendship: Kimberlie Dykeman shares her simple but wise process to sifting out, seeking out, and solidifying a killer circle of friends.

This article will be the fuel to an upcoming podcast on the PURE SOAPBOX channel, as an episode on the show “EVOLVE or Decay.” So SUBSCRIBE to plug in to the podcasts for FREE.

~KD

Never Stop EVOLVING

Meet Bob. He’s a VP of Operations for a growing 30mm+ company.

Bob is feeling like crap (again) this morning and just led a half-assed update meeting with his leadership team. When asked “What’s going on? You alright?” by his assistant… the answer is simple: “I’m fine. Must have had too much coffee.”

It could be the coffee… on an empty stomach.  But let’s re-trace the steps that got him here.

Bob is loading up on (rot-your-gut, no-name office) coffee because he’s exhausted from about 3 hours of sleep. He skipped breakfast because he didn’t have time to stop off at his favorite Starbucks for a latte and low-fat/high-sugar muffin… which he usually deserves if he got in a morning workout.  Which he didn’t. Bob caved to the frenemy snooze button on his iPhone too many times and got up late. The evening before was filled with a Board meeting and dinner that was full of a few bumps that drove Bob to overeat and toss back a few too many vinos and after-dinner scotches; and upon arriving home, his wife expressed concern of his drinking then driving home (again) at an unannounced hour… which led to a lovely broken-record argument fueled by Bob’s agitation from the Board’s latest expectations and antics regarding the company’s spending pace.

Unable to go to sleep, Bob stayed up, slumped over his laptop, reading through emails and surfing through Facebook – wondering when he might actually take time off again, or if just a Poker night with his buddies might do the trick. Wondering why his wife doesn’t understand his responsibilities and pressure, and doesn’t offer encouragement anymore.

Poor sleep is not a stranger to Bob, nor are digestion issues and low back pain, marital issues and a sense of insecurity… which only add to most of his days’ list of small but growing list of complaints.

So, here stands VP Bob. Over-caffeinated, feeling bloated and slightly washed-up, cranky, anxious about his performance in front of the CEO, anxious about what conversation awaits at home that evening, and simply not ready to pound out another 7 hours of meetings, calls and reports.  And it’s only Tuesday.  Must be he drank just too much coffee.

MEN: It ain’t the coffee.  It’s STRESS… and it can be the Grim Reaper.

Aaahhh STRESS!  It DOES serve a purpose- it promotes optimal performance in acutely challenging or threatening situations: you get excited, nauseous, fired-up, focused, nervous and take ACTION. And when the stimulation subsides, you RELAX. That is: you SHOULD relax. The same STRESS that drives you to be a high achiever, leader and influencer is the very same that will bring you to your knees. Juggling jammed schedules, travel, Boards, shareholders, the media, employees’ wellbeing and stacks of emails and expectations wreaks havoc on your body, mind, family, and place in society. Add to that countless other roles like spouse, son, friend and parent… and performance burnout or a total break-down is bound to happen.

The layers of pressure that society, family and business cultures instigate will never go away.  BUT the bigger conversation to have here is discussing what SYMPTOMS are showing up to SIGNAL that your life is experiencing stress in an unmanageable, unhealthy dose… and that something needs to be done before the SH!T hits the fan.

So, gents, ask yourself:

• Do you honestly know how STRESS is showing up in your life?
• Do you realize that you hold some RESPONSIBILITY in causing it or keeping it there?
• What are you going to do about it?

If you’re staring down your 40’s, 50’s and 60’s and the stacks of stats and data hasn’t smacked you upside the head just yet, perhaps a simple, random tool will shift you to see that 1+1 = 2.  Your PHYSIOLOGY dictates your PSYCHOLOGY… and VICE VERSA. Take moment, while no one’s watching, and get real with yourself about your stress.

It’s OK to Look.

Society may say you’re not supposed to show or share the physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual SYMPTOMS stemming from the growing CHALLENGES in your life… but the signs are already there:

Tuning-in to stress SYMPTOMS is the first step to understanding that stress takes many forms in your life.

But you can’t stop there: routing the symptoms back to the STRESSORS (sources) reveals trends of the problematic people, places, things, events, activities and environments that trigger your unhealthy responses. From here you can develop strategies to manage, change or eliminate the stressors and their detrimental effects.  Addressing the true sources also allows you to face your own responsibility and role in how these obstacles have shown up in the first place, and if you’ll allow them to continue to kill your performance in the future.

Ultimately, CHOOSING to process, react to, intervene on, and work to prevent stress literally dictates how much LIFE you’ll get out of your life. So… isn’t it time you got back in the driver’s seat, boys, and stop blaming the coffee?   ~  KD     

Never Stop EVOLVING  

© Kimberlie Dykeman.  www.kimberliedykeman.com Coach, Confidante and Wingman for overstretched, overstressed Executives, Entrepreneurs & VIPs. Unique packages include Face-to-Face Life/Performance Coaching, Mini-Retreats, Assistant Integration and Wingman Detail.  PURE SOAPBOX: Motivation for the Modern Man podcast channel launches this Fall!  Subscribe here!

“So, what do you like to do for fun?”

Ring a bell? Of course it does- because we all have USED that wildly lame one-liner ice-breaker in hopes of finding common ground, or in the very least, finding out that the target had a wild side that is merely overshadowed by their way-too-conservative first impression. What used to be a first date investigation tool is now even used by off-center hiring leaders to see if the interviewing talent is more than 2-dimensional. Pick up a paper, read a blog, get sucked in watching shiny-happy-people of Good Morning America and you’ll learn of studies, companies and clubs making the element of FUN a top priority for improved productivity, better work environments, better sex, happier kids, fewer heart attacks, yadda yadda yadda. And yet again, unfortunately, the message is: Hey, you! Go find fun. Have some fun. Or you’re gonna die early.

Well, maybe not that simplistically laid out- but you get the picture. It’s the same blanket prescription doled out to all readers and listeners: Go find happiness. Be happy. Or you’re gonna die early. And that’s a bummer. Because we all know it just doesn’t WORK like THAT.    (SIDEBAR: these posts WILL become shorter and put into podcasts on puresoapbox.com soon. Promise.)

Where the hell has FUN gone anyway?

When I observe little boys in public, not much has changed, I gather, since I was a kid (and mind you, my best friend was a boy from grade 3 through college):  mud is fabulous, as is throwing rocks, breaking things, talking tough, shouting, jumping off of things way too high, trying to fit though spaces, dismissing trespassing signs, doing random acts for attention from girls, showing off for Mom or Dad, beating anyone at anything, eating anything… and of course GI Joe, cars, baseball (insert any sport), wrestling with the family dog. These things equated to fun.

When I observe grown men, many of these things still ring true… but the value of them has grown empirically because of the fractured, limited and often tamed nature of opportunities to experience.  The need for a rush of excitement or an unusual accomplishment never dies. As a man moves up the proverbial corporate ladder or grows his own enterprise ground-up, the anticipation of triumphing over greater challenges to ring a louder brass bell grows deeper and broader. Unfortunately accompanying the glorious (though not-so-glamorous) upward journey to the presumed top are more rules, regulations and expectations; less freedoms for authentic expressions, acting on gut instincts, and “come hell or high water” battle plans. Let alone outlets for release or for trying something crazy, for fun.

So, in doing the simple math, when a man is thus shackled in a prescribed suit (except in Austin, TX, of course), between 4 prescribed walls for 50-80 hours/week, to hustle through countless prescribed back-to-back-to-back meetings and calls and presentations, all to net the delayed gratification of a quarterly report… it’s like a never-ending buildup to an orgasm that never happens. And instead, becomes a self-fulfilling story of all work and no play.

Sidelining fun shunts the possible improvements of any and all aspects of your life. Know this. Without release from stress, time for true pleasure, and experiences that take you out of your comfortably uncomfortable zone of a full plate of responsibilities… all important pillars of your life will suffer. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

First: Believe it’s possible.

Thankfully you’re not dead yet, gentlemen, and there is a way to the end goal of experiencing more FUN- and I mean, thoroughly drenching yourself in the gratification and rejuvenation of whatever you think equals PLAY. And to do so you first have to believe it’s possible. Here’s a SOAPBOX® vignette I wrote way back in 2008 to prompt my clients to get into this frame of mind, get out of the head, and get into the moment of living:

 “Fun has a sacred dimension.” – Adriana Diaz, life coach

As kids we set up camp in that realm, only coming out when paged or prompted by someone in charge. We experienced “fun” in just about everything -down to a Cracker Jack prize!- and saturated our present tense with laughter and a contagious carefree attitude. So, how now do you define “fun”? Where do you go to find it?

Stumped? Well, perhaps you’re light on amusement TODAY because you’re caught up in creating TOMORROW. The “land of fun” is found in an entirely different sphere of your perception …but it’s always there, twinkling in the background. So choose to dip into its unending supply of amusement, uninhibited laughter, and memories of wonderfully pointless activities -and that special sparkle you bring back to the “real world” will confetti your perspective with the delightful new energy of a kid.     ©Kimberlie Dykeman

This simple premise is a cornerstone to my coaching today, for it roots a key unique differentiator I offer my clients:  FUN. Recess. Playtime. Retreat. Reward. Nonsensical FUN. Whatever you want to label it, it’s the time of simply being all of you at once- body, mind, heart, spirit- without too damn many cares. It’s making a virtual sandbox, carnival or Disney movie wherever you want and dropping your very self into it.  According to Dr. Stuart Brown, head the National Institute for Play, “Play is something done for its own sake. It’s voluntary, it’s pleasurable, it offers a sense of engagement, it takes you out of time. And the act itself is more important than the outcome.”

Of course, playtime for kids was an integral part of brain development- not to mention communication skills, behavior, adjustment of discourse, and just learning how to get dirty- get hurt- shake it off and get back to the fun at hand. But because our brains are malleable and constantly changing, adapting and allowing for deeper file-building, we need to re-define ourselves as ADULTS that still have a growing KID inside. If you come to understand that reality, you’ll believe that true unadulterated fun is still alive!

Second, you need to reverse-engineer the discovery process.

Some men have no idea what a real retreat from responsibility, a retreat, a reward even looks like, let alone when to plug it in.  Like with any puzzle, sometimes you have to disassemble and examine to discover what goes into creating the experience you want to, need to, are dying to have.  If you peel back the layers first, you unearth what fun looks like specifically to you, to ultimately fulfill your purpose.

1. What STRESS symptoms are affecting your body, mind, relationships, work, sense of self?
2. What tangible obstacles are impeding a direct route toward diffusing, eliminating or reversing this stress?
3. What does your “Day-in-the-Life” look like and where do the greatest windows or pressure build up?
4. How do you nurture and appeal to your 5 powerful, emotion-changing senses, and which are completely neglected?
5. What are some of your favorite childhood memories? What about college? What about when your kids were growing up?
6. When was the last time you pushed yourself physically or put your body at risk?
7. When was the last time you learned something new and didn’t care if you were good at it?
8. When was the last time you made a complete ass out pf yourself?
9. What’s on your Bucket List?
10. What makes you feel… GOOD and gives you immediate gratification of feeling whole?

Finally: Pick your poison, gentlemen, and get out there!

Now that you have a WHY to what you need to experience, how do you go from missing out to stepping out into the land of play again? I help clients by creating actual categories of fun, going to town with brainstorming activities and adventures, and then plugging them into our monthly Gentleman Mini-Retreats, as well as confettiing them into their schedules:

• Sport/Competition: soccer league, pickup game, boxing, ropes course, triathlon
• Sport/Outdoors: hiking, kayaking, SUP, swimming, batting cages, rent-a-bike
• Food/Drink: beer/scotch tastings, vineyard, chef tastings, farmers market, candy store, brunch
• Performances: poetry slam, plays, concert, comedy, TV show taping
• Music: jazz, rock concert, symphony, blues
• Risk-taking: rock climbing, ATV, COTA track racing, repelling, base jumping,
• Animals: aquarium, zoo, pet store, walk-a-dog charity, horseback riding
• Learning/classes: painting, improv, voice, cooking, museum tour, sailing, metal class
• Adventure: camping, hot air balloon, road trip, day of photography, build something!
• Volunteer: homeless, women’s shelters, Big Brothers, church, children’s ward, building homes
• Amusement: bowling, dancing, karaoke, laser tag, matinee, Pro Sport game, toy store, car show
• Relaxation: massage, men’s spa, wet shave, yoga, meditation retreat, fishing
• Travel: hello, there’s a whole globe to discover!

Play time SHOULDN’T end when we become adults.  And for those mud-slinging, smart-talking, risk-taking, dirty-joke-telling boys who grew into men, once you define what FUN can look like again you can purposefully create the time to experience it weekly, if not daily. Risking your health, marriage, fatherhood, career, mental wellbeing, family, contribution to society, friendships… anything of value to you… is not worth it. You’d be amazed at what a smile, a laugh and a leap can do.    ~ KD

Never Stop EVOLVING

a.k.a.  No one ever said: It’s all fun, games, flashy titles and big paychecks…          until SOMEONE has a heart attack.

So, I was all ready to pull out a pencil and legal pad (yes, I said PENCIL) to write up notes for this post- fully armed to hit on the dirty topic of EXECUTIVE STRESS and what the media is doing to make it even worse (while lining the pockets of snake oil salesmen) … but then Howard Schultz decided to interrupt.  Now, I gotta tell you, it was in the best possible way.

Before getting a workout at the crack-o-dawn, I ran in to my corner Starbucks for a half-caf blonde.  And about 3 hours later I received a survey request with a free star- which I decided to fill out, since I was still sitting reading morning emails. (For those of you with the app, you know stars are their form of crack.) Now here’s where things took a turn:

Besides asking if I was actually thirsty or hungry, these were the imposing, kneading and slightly LEADING multiple choice questions in the survey.

Did you stop in because …?

• You felt busy or overwhelmed and needed a break
• You felt tired and needed a pick-me-up
• You felt like socializing and needed to spend time with others
• You felt scattered and needed to focus
• You felt like you deserved it and needed a treat

BAM!  And there it is.  Mainstream corporate marketplace, with its addiction-inducing/supporting retail mini-hubs, has its finger on the pulse of America’s worker bees.  This survey wasn’t asking if I was too lazy to brew a joe at 6am, ran out of coffee or loved starting my morning with something that brings back memories of my mom getting ready for work.  It was, essentially, assuming that I didn’t have my sh$t together. It wanted to get under my skin and see just how vulnerable I am to divulge personal, emotional information.

Mindfully concocted and strategically delivered by a think-tank of marketing wizards and media mongers, this survey pressured me to believe that this cup of spiking hot, brown water was ONE answer to my problems.  Just like the media-at-large, Starbucks is on-the-money: it KNOWS that folks are working themselves to the bone- hell, even to death.

Men don’t talk about Stress.

As I’ve been relaunching my coaching practice, I’ve been devouring studies, data, and details from my own research interviews of executives, thought leaders and their assistants …and a few things are UNABASHEDLY CLEAR:

1. Technology has changed the landscape so much that we are actually gaining speed down towards an abyss of STRESS. More HIGH TECH and less HIGH TOUCH is short-circuiting our emotional, mental and social needs.
2. STRESS is indeed erupting countless illnesses, causing mental strife, disrupting family foundations, creating career burnout, dividing communities and picking us off in droves.

#3 is actually reserved for the men… specifically execs and leaders:

3. The first rule about STRESS is you don’t talk about STRESS.

I say that because it’s true. (Call it a blanket statement, assumption or stereotype… but I’ll ask you to prove otherwise with your own data, folks.)  So assuming no argument, most men don’t wear their issues on their sleeves, let alone ask for help, or divulge much in random retail surveys. And if you’re an Alpha male, executive, high-performance or highly-visible businessman- we’ll be waiting for Kanye West to make it to the White House (#VMAawarddebacle) before you fess up and let someone else HELP you become the man you’re killing yourself to be.

Mass media showcases elements of how anxiety and pressures swirling around work, family and health affect men… but they stop at getting to the meat of it all. They just keep adding to the number of gents searching “executive burnout” and “executive stress syndrome”. Reporters, hosts, bloggers and experts alike don’t really cut enough away to reveal the SOURCES beyond symptoms. AS if it would be almost insulting to mention that people DO PLAY a role in their own stressful circumstances.  And WE DO!  Makes you wonder: with the obviousness of societal stress growing like a weed… why aren’t enough people showing how to take responsibility and SOLVE their PROBLEMS?

Getting back to Starbucks

What if you were asked to fill in the email survey?  Would you actually take pause and take inventory?  Better yet, what if I were to just ASK YOU these questions… what would you say?  What if you just ASKED YOURSELF?

Are you really:

• overworked
• stressed-out
• lonely
• distracted
• sleep-deprived
• under-rewarded
• discouraged
• seeking camaraderie
• needing to connect and share?

If any (or all) of these resonated with you, you can do one of two things, I suppose:

1. Keep getting the sh%t knocked out of you in your very own world of Fight Club
2. Choose to change. Choose to EVOLVE. Choose to LIVE.

I have chosen to focus on the SOURCE, folks.  Relaunching my offerings as a Coach, Confidante and Wingman whose bleeding-edge, timely solutions speak to the specific lifestyle and high-performance needs of stressed Executives & VIPs.  My unique packages include Lifestyle Coaching, Mini-Retreats, Assistant Integration and Wingman Detail.  (www.kimberliedykeman.com – new site under construction) Humor yourself and take inventory, then give me a shout.

Thanks again for reading. Podcast available ASAP.

Never Stop EVOLVING

~ KD